In my book Enhanced Life Performace, we talk about being the best version of self and in order to do so we all know it requires confidence and a strong knowledge of “why,” but relationships?
Dr. Dan Siegel, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA school of Medicine proposed that the three items necessary for well-being are the brain, the mind and relationships. He calls it the “Triangle of Well-Being.” Dr. Siegel went on to say “Our minds are created within relationships – including the one that we have with ourselves… Each of us has a unique mind: unique thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories, beliefs, and attitudes, and a unique set of regulatory patterns. These patterns shape the flow of energy and information inside us, and we share them with other minds.”
Well-being, which I believe to be a synonym for fulfillment, something that I have written and given countless talks on, only comes when we set our ego aside and allow relationships to flourish around us. We are pack animals, we like to build communities and live close to places where community exists and while someone must lead, leaders can’t do so only considering themselves. Our ego would love for us to believe that success, fulfillment and nourishment to our core components – Mind, Body and Spirit comes only at our own hands, but this is not true at all. The mental clarity that we seek only comes when we have relationships that can help provide the back drop necessary to achieve such clarity of life and purpose (the why) which can lead to fulfillment and truly is necessary for mental development.
Studies show that solitude is one of the leading causes of suicide or other destructive behaviors that lead to self loathing. We have seen a rise in teenage suicide since Covid-19 restrictions have been placed and we believe that solitude has been a contributing factor. And yet, the ego can try to convince us that we need no one. Ego can in fact become a real obstacle to success and fulfillment. I, of course am not the first to suggest that ego is the impediment of a fulfilled successful life and I mention humility as being one of the most important areas of garnering alignment with the Holy Spirit, but how do you temper an ego that is partly responsible for the inner drive to succeed? Quite simply, It is OK to have a degree of self preservation. This, as we know is the first law of nature, however; protection of self and worship of self is two very different things. I am a confident guy with my eyes on executing at a high level and creating the best version of self, but the outcome of that endeavor is unrewarding if my wife Daphne and four kids Cari, Candace, Cooper and Cameron could not enjoy the fruits of that version of me. In other words, if I have to trade off my relationships to be the best version of self it isn’t worth it.
The good news is that we find out that relationships are one of the drivers to succeed, not just a beneficiary of the outcome of success. In the book “Ego is the enemy” by Ryan Holiday, Holiday cites multiple leaders that we would argue to be the best in their field and through that field impacted numerous people along the way. What was consistent with many of them is they had to fight their own ego to stay on track and recognize that others help you and for the most part are required to get to where you want to go. It is without question that ego can help to drive you in the short term, but that ego can get out of hand and will need to be fed. In this case, the quest or journey of success becomes only about feeding the ego not what it should be about, which is using your gifts that were granted to you to serve and impact others.
Relationships!
Relationships help you to carve out the “Why” behind it all and the real reasons we do what we do. Our friends, our family, ourselves and our God! We choose to be successful to find fulfillment in our core and to share that with others. Through that sharing, we foster relationships that are lasting and allow even more success and more importantly allows us to leave a Legacy behind once we have moved on. So relationships are more than just an outcome of life, they are essential at creating the life you have been looking for. Foster a deeper relationship with God first, then your family and what you will find is all of your relationships will improve and so too will the next version of self!
